Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
