Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
