Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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