I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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