Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
