i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
well you can't waste a boner
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
