His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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