the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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