i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
