Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
