What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
