oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
