i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
