I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
