In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
