FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
