just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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