i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
