Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
