They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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