I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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