his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
