It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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