i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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