Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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