meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
