I wish my penis had an off switch
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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