sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
