Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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