Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
