did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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