Your face is a jimmy john
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Everything about him screamed your future.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
