He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
