if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
