You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
