He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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