A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
