Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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