Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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