Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
