You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
