in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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