Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
