Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
