I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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