I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
