if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
