Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
