mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
