why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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