My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
