you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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