So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
